Q&A: Getting off the toxic Merry-go-round

Q&A: I was wondering if you could help me out with impulse. I've been in an awful on & off relationship for 2 years but it has been off for the last 6 months. He comes in & out of my life & I too tend to open the door when I shouldn't. He has a way of making me believe I can't be on my own & I don't deserve anyone else. He recently told me he's moving on & seeing other people just days (like 2) after professing his love for me. How do I stop my impulses & let him go for good?

Ok, girlfriend, this is a complex issue with lots of layers… so know that this is a process and you may find yourself slipping in and out of relationship with him until you fully heal the underlying issues. No judgment of yourself allowed. If you slip, just set your intention to do better/differently the next time. Author Louise Hay says, “Changes that are loved into being are permanent,” and over and over again, I find that to be the absolute truth.

Part 1

While this is ALL about YOU, I do want to talk about your ex briefly for your peace of mind and understanding. Anyone that makes you feel like you can’t be on your own or aren’t deserving of anything but the very best does not need to be in your life period. I don’t care if we were talking about a family member. You are never going to move forward in your life and with your dreams if you are surrounded by someone who is constantly throwing negativity and doubt your way. It’s like filling your car’s gas tank with dirt; that car isn’t going anywhere without high quality fuel. Find supportive people to surround yourself with who inspire, encourage and accept you.

When men behave in this manner that you describe, most of the time they feel out of control, insecure and emasculated. So how does he regain a sense of control? He usually bullies and manipulates in an attempt to dominate someone to feel masculine and powerful again (an old, old, erroneous paradigm that is now shifting). While he may genuinely care for you, he does not have the maturity, consciousness or skill set to create and maintain a healthy relationship with you. It sounds like there is a push-pull energetic between you both and that he withdraws his affections in an attempt to force you to behave the way he wants you to or to punish you. A real man will honor you and have no desire to play these manipulative games, nor will he have any interest in controlling you. (and YES, these men exist! But we as women have to do our internal work so that we are inhabiting our highest potential, and then we naturally magnetize these real men into our field simply by our state of being.)

Last note on your ex, men like this will always move on quickly to other women because they tend to be codependent. They can’t be alone for very long because in their wounded psyche they believe they need a host to survive (like a parasite). They have no semblance of a self-esteem, and so they need the other to reflect back to them a sense of self because they don’t have it internally on their own.

Finally, these observations are in no way a judgment of him. He is in the midst of his own growth and lessons, and we have to allow him the dignity of that process where ever he is. It’s important you understand the underlying dynamics here, so that you know to your very core that there is NOTHING wrong with YOU!!! Once you get that, you can ignite your own power. So on that note, let’s get back to YOU…

Part 2: Creating Conscious Choice & Letting Go

Once you clean up your side of the street, you will see this relationship and this man clearly, and you’ll embody your own power in a way that gives you conscious choice. You won’t fall prey to your “impulses”. As I mentioned earlier, this is a process, and you’re clearly moving in the right direction. Here are some insights and practices that will help you continue moving forward as you shed layer after layer revealing your most brilliant, powerful self.

Properly deal with your own emotions. You’ve gotta feel to heal. Make sure you do the journaling, crying, singing, dancing, punching the pillow, boxing, art project, whatever you feel compelled to do in order to acknowledge what you are feeling and feel through that emotion to release it completely. Grieve the loss of the relationship, the loss of him, the loss of the future, dreams and fantasies you had about him. Don’t judge anything that comes up for release. Just let yourself be with it. As author Debbie Ford always said, “What you can’t be with, won’t let you be.”

Take back your projections. This is a biggie! It is completely human and part of the process of relating to project our shadow (typically associated with qualities we perceive as negative, ugly or shameful, but can be positive qualities we have not yet owned as well) onto our partner. This is the gift of relationship. We are being provided with a mirror so we can see our shadow and own our light. Carl Jung said, “The gold is in the dark.” We want to mine these dark, painful experiences and our shadows for all they pearls of wisdom they have to offer. Look at those positive and negative qualities of him, see which ones you have and those you have rejected or not yet fully inhabited in order to recognize and consciously integrate them back into your psyche to function in the world as a happy, healthy and WHOLE human being.

Work on your triggers. When you get triggered, your ex hit up on an old wound that you never addressed or healed. That trigger will have you running back to him because you may feel you need to prove something or somehow get a sense of worth or validation from him to receive a kind of temporary relief caused by the pain of the trigger. You are coming to him to heal that old wound and ease the pain and discomfort of that trigger, but he doesn’t have the antidote to that trigger. He was only a catalyst. Only you have the antidote, because it’s your past wounding that created that trigger. Once you heal that trigger, you see him more clearly and how he treats/manipulates/etc everyone (not just you). Then, you will also realize that you want more and deserve more especially if he is someone who never keeps his side of the street clean by taking responsibility for his issues. If he is still emotionally potty training, the prospect of being a babysitter will be the ultimate turn off!

Explore your boundaries. A lot of times we don’t even know what our boundaries are because they were invaded as children. Practice your boundaries. Try them out on your close friends. Try saying no for the sheer pleasure of saying no. Just because you can. When that moment comes and you have to set a strong boundary, you will be prepared when it’s difficult, when your voice shakes, and even when you’re unsure.

Conclusion/Part 3: I CHOOSE ME

Transcending the glass ceiling. When you feel inclined to reach out and initiate with your ex, ask yourself what’s going on with you? What are you feeling? Regardless of whether you do or don’t reach out to him, take the time to investigate how you are feeling about yourself. Did something happen that felt like a set back or made you begin to doubt yourself? Or is everything going really well, and it feels too good to be true so you attempt to bring yourself back down by reaching out? Are you stalling and treading water with him? If you are feeling that urge to reach out, remind yourself that while he might be comfortable and familiar, you want to ascend, and that he will only bring your vibration down again. Practicing and accessing this level of awareness is going to help you transcend your impulses in the very end. You are laying down the bricks of the foundation every time you do this exercise (even if you wind up reaching out). Remember, no judgment :)

If and when you do reach out or respond to his initiation, reframe the words and feelings you have around feeling powerless and being a slave to your impulses. Instead of repeating to yourself over and over again that you can’t control your impulses in regard to this man, reframe this by putting yourself in the position to make a conscious choice. Let’s say he calls up, wants to see you, and here you are again torn. Some part of you knows you shouldn’t, feels guilty, doesn’t want to, is still hurt or angry about the last go around and so on. Another part of you misses him, loves him, really wants to see and feel him again. MAKE YOUR CHOICE. OWN YOUR CHOICE. Instead of feeling like, well… I know I shouldn’t, but I cant control myself and would go back eventually anyway so whatever. Admit your truth from a place of awareness: I know this really isn’t ideal right now, but I’m feeling lonely right now, and I want to see him. So while I know it is probably not the best choice, I AM CHOOSING to see him right now. You can practice this with anything! Practice it the next time you’re entertaining what to have for dessert. Once again, you are slowly, subtly reprogramming your repetitive thoughts/actions/patterns to create new neuropathways in your brain. By shifting the conversation to one of conscious choice, you will shift any feelings of victim-hood to a power position over time.

In the shamanic tradition, many shamans utilize a meditative spiritual process to call back energetic fragments of ourselves they claim get left behind when we have a deep experience, shock or trauma. Often times, when we get involved with others romantically and sexually, we either leave behind fragments, or we can still be energetically hooked into someone even if the relationship has ended and there is no contact. You can try either of the following methods to call back your own energy to stay integrated and whole: simply get into a meditative space and in your words, call back those aspects/fragments of yourself. Invite them to come back to you and your energetic space. Any fragments belonging to your ex, kindly but firmly thank them and then ask them to go back to their owner. The other process is cord cutting. In your meditative space, see any cords connecting you to your ex severed and cut. Love is eternal and can never be broken or destroyed, but you can feel free to cut away those unhealthy energies that are draining you. These are exercises that can be done daily/repeatedly for awhile especially after a breakup or when you are obsessing about your ex.

Ritual is the language of the subconscious mind, and the subconscious mind runs 90-95% of our day despite the best intentions of our conscious mind. By creating or performing various rituals, you begin to rewire the neuropathways in your brain and set the stage for new thoughts, beliefs and habits to take the place of the old ones no longer serving you. You can do or create any kind of ritual you want. It can be as simple as committing to a cup of tea every day at 3pm to sit, gather your thoughts and practice being present with yourself/for yourself or one of the shamanic meditations I just shared. One ritual I recommend for you is to write down all the limitations your ex placed on you, and any limitations or fears you’ve placed on yourself. Write each of them down onto little strips of paper. Then ceremoniously burn them. You may have to do this repeatedly for a while. Remember, you are resetting/rebooting your subconscious!

Your daily affirmation: I CHOOSE ME.

Choose the items that resonate w/you; only you can know what is truly right for you and where you are at. Note that what I have shared with you are practices to enhance and further your process, and as such they take time. Like building a house, you are re-building your internal infrastructure. I can tell you having been there myself and being on the other side, TOTALLY WORTH IT.